The Original Musings

Please don’t give these jerks any money!

We have a sign on our front door — a bright yellow sign, no less — that reads “NO PEDDLERS.”  We have this sign because if we want to do business with you, we will find you and do business with you. If you come to us, it just irritates us, interrupts whatever we were doing, drives our dogs apeshit and makes us want to slam the door in your face. We don’t like to be rude like that, so we posted the sign a couple years ago and that stopped most of it. (I should add I don’t object to door hangers or people leaving something on the bench on the porch — that’s cool. Stick a flyer on my mailbox, send me a flyer in the mail, whatever. If you don’t bother me with it, I will probably save it and dig it out when I do need your services.)

We still get the occasional stray — in fact we’ve had people ring the bell, we get to the door and they immediately apologize and say they didn’t notice the sign at first. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but come on, it’s bright freaking yellow and it’s right on level with the doorbell … however, I don’t beat ‘em with a stick or chase ‘em off my property for what was hopefully an honest mistake.

One day several months ago, we got a woman who came to the door at a really bad time — Missy and I were gone and Darin was home alone with the 4 dogs. He was in the process of starting dinner — his specialty, chicken wings! — and his hands were covered in raw chicken gunk and so on … so the doorbell rings, dogs go apeshit, Darin answers the door and there stands a dumb bitch telling him how she saw the sign, but she rang the bell anyhow because (wait for it) … “I’m not here to sell you anything!” She then proceeds to tell him how all they want to do is put a sign in our front yard saying they sold us new windows. In exchange for letting them do that, they’ll SELL US THE FUCKING WINDOWS FOR HALF PRICE … when his jaw hits the floor she insists oh no, SHE isn’t trying to sell us anything at all! All she wants to do is set up an appointment for us with the salesman. She’s just a canvasser! The sign doesn’t apply to HER. As he was slamming the door in her face, she handed him a flyer.

Since Darin was really irritated, he called them. He raised hell. The owner or president or schmuck in the mailroom for all we know insisted that his employee had done NOTHING wrong at all. She was not there to sell anything and therefore the sign did not apply to her. After Darin ripped him a new one and read him the dictionary definition of the word “peddle” the guy rather sarcastically told him not to worry, he would put our name and address on their list and we would NEVER be bothered by them again.

GOOD.

Except … today, doorbell rings, dogs go apeshit, Darin goes to the door and lo and behold it’s a City Sash idiot with the same exact spiel practically word for word and the same exact justification for why the sign didn’t apply to them.

This infuriated me so much I have decided that even if every window in my 22 year old house was falling out and City Sash was standing in my front yard with the windows precut and ready to be installed and they were going to do it for 75% less than anyone else on the planet and they weren’t even going to want to put the sign in my front yard …

I WOULD STILL GO ELSEWHERE FOR MY WINDOWS. I WOULD TAKE OUT A SECOND MORTGAGE ON MY HOUSE OR GO BLOW PEOPLE ON 5TH STREET BEFORE I GAVE A SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING DIME TO CITY SASH.

And I decided that I will tell everyone I know not to do business with them, and hopefully they will listen. I am also seriously considering modifying our bright yellow sign to read “NO PEDDLERS … THIS INCLUDES YOU LYING ASSHOLES FROM CITY SASH” … wonder if they’d get the damn hint then?

… but I truly doubt the UN uses hotmail … 

Color me skeptical … (why yes, that IS sarcasm you’re smelling!)

This email is to inform you that you have been selected as one of the recipients of a cash grant for the growth of your economy and personal development. You are to receive the sum of 500,000.00 Pounds Sterling as developmental aid paid by the United Nations Foundation to individuals in selective countries. To receive your grant contact the UNDP agent allocated to you below;
Mr Kent Reeves
Email: unitednationgrant4@hotmail.co.uk

I dunno, Kent. Something just doesn’t seem quite right, y’know?